Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Let The Wind Blow It All Away
It's a matter of consequence. We were together for for only less than 8 years, before that fateful day I was taken, carried away like a guni sack filled with food, with drops of salt water that we call tears. I cried, hated and cursed, but that was in the past. And that past is buried.
It's a matter of time. I've lived the rest of my years accepting what has become, and what I intend to become. I do not blame anyone, and I hope no one blames me either, but nonetheless, I'm not apologetic for anything, as life goes on. I've gone through this over and over in my mind, and my resolution? To live by nobody's expectations except mine. Just in case you don't get it, 'nobody' includes you.
It's a matter of days. I hate those calls, on which that particular day, or those particular days, in which I'm not in a comfortable position to meet up. I hate last minute meetings with you, because it makes me have to compromise things I've planned in my mind and with friends. I do not disregard you, yet, accept that I'm no longer that 8-year old that you once loved, and love still. I still accept you, and there's nothing against you. Yet, why do you have sad spells thinking otherwise. Get this straight. There's no such feelings harbored.
It's a matter of choice. I wish you'd stop pestering me to meet with you, because things are too awkward between me and you. If it is not for you, it is for my side. I know you can feel it, so do not deny it. I can't face you, not because of shame, but a matter of the individuality of mind that I've reached. So if you asked a question, which means I can give an answer in whatever ways I choose, accept that answer. I thank you for asking, and it is good to know that after all these years, you still place a thought for me. But please, I'm sure your youngest two children deserves this blessing. Shower them with all that you wanted to give me, and make them better as they grow up. You've done what you could have, and I'm thankful. Let me remove that burden and decide for myself the path I want to take. I give my blessings to your new life.
It's a matter of words. I'm sorry if I've hurt you with all this, but I am honest in what I want to say, or in this case, write. It's better than a lie, which you taught me never to say. I've learnt, and I am still rather honest. Be it that you, or someone who is very concerned with you, get a hold of this entry, this is the way it has become. I thank you, and know that, I'll never severe our ties. However, I need the peace of mind, as there's a lot of things in time that I have to handle. It'll be big, and I'll need all the strength I can muster.
You can't please everyone in this world. For what you take from one, you give to another. That is all. I'm tired of having to deal with this in my mind. I still love you for what you are, and for what you were. I've changed. For better or worse, I'm not sure. But I do know, I'm happy the way I am now. But I can't show it to you. Not now.
To my two half-brother and half-sister, though I know I may never meet you, do grow up to be wonderful people. Our path is as distinct as that of the east and west. Will we ever intersect? Maybe. Maybe. For now, I shall remain in the shrouds of mystery.