La Musique

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Mind Of A Suicidal

I can almost feel the minds of people who commit suicide. I can understand why some people choose to do that which is almost impossible to perform. An act of death unto one's self. Everytime I try to imagine myself thrusting a knife through my chest, or jumping from the 19th storey, there's this humane sensation saying "Dude, what are you thinking?!". Indeed, what was I thinking? It is this voice that saves many people. The voice of conscience. And not just any conscience. The conscience of being alive. It is probably that thin thread that keeps us away from giving our lives away needlessly. Yet, through it all, I'm beginning to understand. Scary, but true.

For it seems, I'm hitting the lowest point in my life right now. Coupled by problems I can't accept, flashes of horrific scenarios run through my mind. Of me, jumping in front of a speeding car. Of me, cutting myself with a rusty blade. Of me, jumping off the top a towering building. Of me, doing unthinkable things. I kid you not, I do see it. This is the mind of someone who has lost hope and wants to be set "free". It's these thoughts that can really cause suicide. It's very temptuous, but it's just not me to do such a thing. Well, that's for me. We can only wonder how others are affected with images like that.

But to kill yourself, that's the saddest excuse to run away from something. I confess, I do want to run away from a lot of things, and just be free. To be my own boss, to do what I want and feel like doing, to be me. But I always tell myself, nothing will ever go my way. You have to pick up that hiking gear, gear up, and conquer that highest mountain, and other mountains that you come across as well. It's the challenge, the game of life, at difficulty mode I might add, that makes me play my hardest.

Well, it was interesting studying the mind of a suicidal person. Don't worry, I'm always going to try to live my life to the fullest. I'm just grumbling over where I am now. How much longer till I reach the peak? Hmm.

10:02 PM