Thursday, June 15, 2006
Was just watching something hilarious about a couple.http://youtube.com/watch?v=14Qd4Z3XCD4&search=devil%20may%20cry%20commercial
Gah! That was a cruel break-up man. Haha. I mean, wow, ok la, if there ever was such a break-up like that, it'd be pretty cool, instead of the usual weeping and depression.
I sometimes wonder if I'd been a lousy boyfriend before. Well, it's pretty vague if you think about the term 'bad', because even when you're really good to someone, it's also considered bad. But you will always come back to that same question at the end of it: Did I do something wrong? I can write out a whole list about why I should be in the wrong, because depression makes you think that way.
But that's not the point, isn't it? It's not about what you did wrong. It's not about what she did wrong. It's about negotiating with each other what should be, what shouldn't, and what could. I regret that I wasn't the assertive type, as I always bowed down to her like a minion to a goddess. I always gave way, and I never really mentioned assertively what I didn't like about the relationship. I was that kind of person to always be on the losing side, as long as I can make her happy.
But what defines happiness? I thought I knew, but I knew nothing about what exactly it was. I kept on guessing and calculating the best course of action, because I was scared of losing, and losing her. I was blindfolded with fear when I was already blind with love. I guess to me, that was what caused it to sink. Ah, again with the guesses and 'I Think' theories.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but maybe it's because my friend just mentioned to me about his old case of a break-up and it's aftermath just now. Somehow, it brought back all those memories. Good, bad, but mostly good in my opinion. I'm not trying to make this sound like those melodramatic dramas that shows a guy staring blankly into space with a sea breeze blowing in his face looking all mournful and a little teary as if the world is going to end so that I should just commit suicide before it happens but then again I'm indecisive on whether I should do that because it's not really the end of the world...but I wanted to be thankful, to her, for giving me the chance, and an eventful experience before. Through thick and thin, we'll still be good friends. =)
Argh, my mind is in such a mess now. It must be due to work! Haiz. ORD, I'm still waiting for you to save me.